Friday, May 10, 2013

When I Fall

I can talk a good game.  I can put on a smile and look like I know what I'm doing, but some days are just difficult.  Some days just wear me down.  Some days I take my eyes off what I know is right and plunge head first into what I want.  That's what I did tonight.  If you thought I was a perfect mom you're about to be disappointed.

"For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." James 1:20

That verse has been a mantra for me from the first year with Hannah.  I would have never considered myself an angry person until she walked through my door.  Since then it has been a time of growth in both understanding that my anger is wrong and learning how to conquer it.  That verse has helped me steer clear of many an angry confrontation, but tonight I just wasn't listening.

I was louder and harsher than I should have been.  Was she wrong?  Yes.  Did that make my actions right?  No.  I'm the adult.  I'm the one modeling behavior here.  Did I respond the way I would like her to learn how to respond?  No.  I went overboard and made a mountain out of a molehill.  I didn't speak to the heart of the issue (her character) rather I railed against the behavior.  

A few things happen when I lose it around here.  One, it chips away at the security my girls feel here at home.  For a little while if feels as if everyone needs to walk on eggshells around mom.  I hate that.  Even though my fussing lasts only a few minutes, it feels as if it takes the rest of the night to set everything right again.  Two, it turns me into a hypocrite.  How often do I talk to my girls about self-control?  It's a daily conversation about choosing what we know is right.  I know that it's wrong to get angry and boil over like that, but I did it anyway.  

Nights like these, after my apologies have been made and things have been set right, I sit with Jesus in brokenness.  I pour out my heart to Him.  All of the frustration and hurt, the weariness and defeat, it all gets laid down at His feet.  That's where it belongs.  I'm eager for His forgiveness.  I'm eager for His Word.  I'm eager for the night to end and a new day to begin.  One that I can spend being the mom He has called me to be.  The mom who knows anger is not the answer, but that love is.

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