I've often said that if I'd have known how hard Hannah was going to be, I'd have never signed the papers. That's true. I wouldn't have. I'm so glad I didn't know. Ignorance really was bliss, because imagining a day without her now is even too hard to think about.
But when is ignorance not bliss? When it hurts others or causes us to gloss over serious situations and issues just so we don't have to face them or admit that they exist.
Situations like children without families.
It was easy for me to stay in my own little world. It was easy to fill my days with things that brought me happiness, things that were easy. But what difference was I making? Who was I impacting? Who was I serving?
Then God showed me a sea of children who needed help, who needed love. It wasn't going to look like I thought it would. It wasn't going to feel like I thought it would. It wasn't going to sound like I thought it would.
It was going to be harsher, it was going to be harder, it was going to be louder. It was going to be all those things and more.
But I didn't know it. I was naive. Ignorance was bliss.
Was it that I hadn't been properly prepared? No. I had taken the classes, read the books and followed the steps. I was mentally prepared, but not emotionally prepared. I don't think there is anything that could have been said or done to get me ready emotionally.
As you read about our journey in this blog, I hope you find my stories heartwarming. I hope you find my children inspirational. I hope you find yourself laughing while you read. But my stories will not prepare you for your journey. They may inform and entertain, but they won't prepare.
That's because your journey will look differently than mine. And that's okay.
It's better than okay. Your journey has been designed by the One who knit you together, who knows your heart better than you do and who created a personality in you that will serve those He brings to your door.
Embrace that. It's the unknown. It's not scary, it's exciting. The One who orders your steps is leading the way. He knows who is coming. He knows what they are like. He knows you, too. Trust Him.
When the going got tough with Hannah, I didn't trust that He knew what He was doing. I was sure that somewhere along the way I had gotten the wrong delivery. Maybe she was supposed to go to the neighbor's house. They were a little crazy. She would be a good fit over there.
Just kidding. No one is that crazy.
What I wasn't doing was trusting that God knew what I needed. I was hoping for what I wanted and she did not fit the bill. I wanted to have some say in the matter. I'm so glad I didn't, because Hannah is 100% mine, without question, everyday, beautifully, wonderfully mine. I love that.
Did I recognize that in the beginning? No. Not at all. But that's when ignorance wasn't bliss. I needed to rest in the direction God had taken me. I needed to trust that this crazy, screaming hooligan would one day realize who God is and embrace who He created her to be. It sounds so easy.
It's not. I know.
Those of you with a screaming hooligan in your house right now, I know.
I was ignorant of what was going to happen. I was ignorant of how great this was all going to turn out. I was ignorant of the new person I was going to become. I was ignorant of it all.
I would have loved to have been able to flip to the back of the book to ensure a happy ending before committing to reading the entire epic. That would have been nice, but that's not how God works. God says trust me first. So, with a less than happy heart, I did.
And He was right.
Do you see these three at last night's drive-in movie?
Ignorance is not bliss. The amazing life I live with these wonderful girls is.
Don't understand what God is doing? Finding yourself in a mess that's harder than you thought it would be? Hang in there. God knows what He is doing. Leave it to Him. He knows the way to the best places.