Thursday, March 13, 2014

I'm Not A Machine

Oh, how some days I wish I was!

I wish I didn't have to battle my emotions. I wish I didn't have to talk myself into a good attitude. I wish serving the hard-to-love in my life was easier.

Maybe the hard-to-love in your life is your extended family. Maybe it's your kids. Maybe it's yourself.

When you welcome a child into your home through adoption there will be days you will battle your emotions. Lots of days. It may begin to feel like the Seven Year's War.

War is a good description, because the fighting will be intense. And long.

Inside you. Extreme. Fierce. Fiery.

Some days you might not recognize yourself. Some days the intensity of your emotions may scare you.

Hold on. Stay in the fight. You are not alone.

This emotional roller coaster you find yourself on eventually ends.

It does. I promise.

One day you will realize that this little girl you welcomed into your home has become a part of your family. And not just because she lives in the same house, but because she has made her way into your heart.

It won't be easy. It will come after days and weeks and months of choosing love.

The days when the screaming never stops.

The days when you don't think you can handle one more lie.

The days when your pleasant voice is really, really hard to find.

Even on those days.

You'll have chosen love on those days that were the hardest.

It's not a pretty process in my world. Most days I fall more than a few times. My soft, gentle answer has a tinge of anger or a hint of sarcasm. My forty seventh correction for the exact same thing that day isn't as pleasant as the first one. My patience wears thin. My ends fray.

I don't look so good at that point.

This is when I have to stop, apologize and ask for forgiveness.

And then correct the exact same thing for the 48th time.

Because it will happen. I guarantee it.

Then one day something changes. It sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise.

One day you turn around and realize she's been listening. It may have taken a while, but all those lessons you taught her and all that love you showed her sunk in and made an impact.

Choosing love is no longer the war-torn ground it once was. Treaties have been signed. Peace rules the land.

Most days.

And you've learned something about yourself. You've learned that life isn't always about the easy stuff. You've learned that God has designed you to handle hard things, to tackle things that seemed insurmountable.

Because in the beginning, the road that leads you from the war to the victory seems long and treacherous, and you're not a machine that can handle it perfectly and without feeling.

You are flesh and bone, an emotional mom that wants what's best for this new little one, but she's just so prickly and hard to manage. It's not going to always look good. You'll get bruised and bloody in the process, but stay in the battle.

Victory comes. And it's beautiful.

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