It would be really easy to give up or walk away or turn her back in.
For a while I would be relieved. Glad to sit in a quiet house without the screaming, without the phone calls from teachers, without the constant demand on my time, resources and attention.
But would I still feel glad a week later? A month later? A year later?
No. I know myself far too well for that.
Regret would creep in and camp out. I know it. And if there's one thing I try to avoid at all costs, it's regret.
Eight years ago that was what kept me in the game.
Others told me I didn't have to do this. They said the adoption wasn't final yet. They said they would understand if she was just too much for me to handle.
I almost believed them. I almost made the call.
But I didn't. And I'm beyond thankful.
It would be nice for me to sit here and tell you that my dedication to her was what got me through. Or maybe it was my diligence to continue in the task God had called me to. Or maybe it was seeing a need and longing to fill it.
It would be nice to say that, but it wouldn't be true.
The truth is I knew I would regret sending her away. Maybe not that day or that week, but eventually I would wonder what might have been.
And that would have been devastating.
So I muddled through (with the emphasis on muddled).
I made a million mistakes, apologized a zillion times, and got up every morning to try again.
Most days my best looked pitiful. Most days it still does. but I got up this morning to try again.
Our adoption journey is still not as smooth as I'd like. We still struggle and fuss and have to make things right pretty much every day.
But I think that's probably true of most families, so I'm going to cut us some slack. I'm going to give us permission to fail and then try again. Isn't that what God does for us?
He offers us the forgiveness we need for the times we fall flat.
And I'm really good at falling flat. Good thing He's so faithful to forgive because I think I need it more than most.
Today I will fail in some way. I know it. But I will apologize and ask for forgiveness.
And then I'll get up in the morning to try again.