I make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes what I think will work, doesn't. That's just my style.
When I started down my first adoption road with Hannah, it didn't take me long to realize things I thought would work, actually didn't and things I had quickly dismissed probably needed to be revisited.
I did a lot of back-peddling that first year. A whole lot.
What I found is that sometimes I was readily willing to admit defeat, but other times I would hold on to a broken system out of pride. After all, who wants to admit they have no idea what they are doing?
I'll admit it now. Working on nine years into this journey and I'll be the first to raise my hand when clueless people are recognized.
Clueless. That's me.
Not everyday and not in every situation, but a lot more than I thought I'd be.
You see I have three kids. Three beautiful, amazing, lovely young ladies. But not one of them came the way I had expected. They didn't fit what I had imagined.
Clearly I had been delusional.
You see, this road of older child adoption is a rocky one and I ran into more than one snare along the way.
That's why I'm here to tell you not to travel the road alone.
I had a guide every step of the way. He was always faithful. I was not. When I listened to Him, I soared. When I went my own way, I failed. I couldn't see the pitfalls, but He could.
God knows the road I am traveling and He gives excellent directions. This crazy adoption journey turned out so differently than I had planned. Nine years ago I thought I knew what I was doing, but looking back I realize I was clueless. Some days I still am.
But that's okay, because if there's one thing I've learned through all the ups and downs of this road, it's this:
I don't have to know, I just have to listen.
Listen when He tells me what she needs. Listen when He tells me how to speak. Listen when He tells me what to do.
That's what I spend my days doing now. Listening. Not figuring things out or manipulating circumstances. I tried that route. It wore me out.
I've learned that my way was never the way I should have gone. I've traded it in for His way. After all, He created her, He understands her, and He has ordered her steps.
It's an exciting road I find myself on. Not easy, but there's no other way I'd rather go.