I've said before that I thought I knew what older-child adoption was going to look like. I thought I knew how it would play out in my life.
It didn't look anything like the picture in my head.
And that's okay, because it actually turned out to be so much better than I could have imagined.
I love when God works like that. When He takes what we thought we were doing and makes it something we could have never accomplished on our own. I look at my kids in awe, not because I've done such a great job (believe me, there was no great job here), but because He did.
It makes me feel a little like Gideon. God called him to defeat the Midianites. He didn't feel up to the task. With an army of over 100,000 soldiers, the Midianites were a formidable foe. Gideon had just over 30,000 men.
Defeating an army that outnumbers you almost 4 to 1 would be quite a feat, but that's not what God did. He eventually pared Gideon's army to 300 men. The odds didn't look so good. Gideon's success wasn't due to his planning or skill, it was 100% God's power and direction.
That's pretty much how I feel, like Gideon.
I look at these three girls that I spend my days with and think about who they used to be and how far they've come. They're amazing, they really are.
Me, not so much. I struggle and fuss and carry on. I've been known to make mountains out of molehills and fight too many battles at once. I'm completely incompetent.
But don't think for a minute I don't know that about myself. Because I do.
It's my complete lack of ability that takes me to the end of myself. And that's the best place to be.
That's where God takes my meager attempts and adds His strength and His power. The little I offer increases exponentially in His hands. Just like it did for Gideon.
You see, God knows what these girls need. He knows what I need. I keep following, but He's the one leading. Some days I'm right on target. Other days He has to put me back in my place. I'm thankful for both.
The other day someone told me how blessed these girls are to have me, but that's not true. It never has been. If you could see into our day you would see what a mess I am. You could see how I fall and get up and fall again. You see, I'm the one that's been blessed. Maybe these blessings didn't look like I thought they would. Maybe they still don't.
What I thought I wanted and what I actually got are lightyears apart. What I got is so much better. Now if only there was a way to remind myself of that in the beginning...