I used to think comfort was the goal. I think a lot of people live there, in that mindset. I did.
I wanted a comfortable life. That meant a cozy home, a job I loved and a hefty dose of peace and quiet.
Don't get me wrong, I was still willing to work for God. I was willing to go on mission trips and teach a children's Sunday School class. You need meals delivered? Cards sent? Absolutely! No problem! I'm your girl!
But what if He called you to more than that? What if He called you to give up the comfortable you had worked so hard to attain?
What if He called you to the hard and messy areas that we all seek to avoid? And what if you had to live in that hard and messy full-time, not just mornings or weekends or once-a-month?
You see, hard and messy weren't really my thing. I preferred orderly and neat and, to be perfectly honest, I preferred easy and hassle free too.
Don't we all?
But that's not where true character is tested and grown. That's not where heroes of the faith are made.
When my first daughter moved in at nine-years-old, every single aspect of my life became messy and hard.
It didn't look like I thought it would look. It didn't feel like I thought it would feel. It was hard and I wasn't good at it.
And I missed my neat and orderly life.
She was too unpredictable. She was too risky. She was dangerous to love.
This didn't look a thing like the family I grew up in or the life I had so carefully led until then. It scared me. Could this really be what God had called me to? Wasn't this a little too much? Surely He didn't intend for me to live like this.
Or maybe He did.
You see, comfortable is overrated. So is safe and easy. Life is lived in the hard moments, in the impossible tasks that are too big for us and can only be accomplished by Him.
Hannah didn't feel comfortable to me back then, but she certainly does now. She fits my life like a glove. She has my heart completely. I can't imagine a day without her.
I feel the same about Ashley.
And Amy too.
Older child adoption is hard and messy. It is. The emotions are overwhelming, the task seems impossible, and in the thick of it your desire will wane.
But don't lose heart. Focus on what God is doing.
He is changing lives, yours and hers. Especially on the worst days.
He is shaping you and molding you into the you He designed you to be. The process is painful. Your flesh will fight against it, but stay the course. You can't do hard things on your own, but that's okay, because He's not asking you to do this alone. He is there, beside you, always.
Remember that and then praise Him in the messy. Praise Him in the hardest part.
Because the comfortable life I thought I wanted doesn't hold a candle to the amazing life I live now.
I don't want to be comfortable anymore. I want to be useful. And sometimes useful is messy and hard and completely unexpected.