Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Beginning and the End

I find myself in a very unusual place these days.

I'm in the first year with my new little one.

I'm in the last year with my first one.

I'm at the beginning, but I'm also at the end.  Some days I'm not sure I like either place.

The beginning is so difficult. My emotions and her behavior are completely out of control. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and a lot of the time I don't really care.

Welcome back to square one. That's where you'll find me.

But you'll also find me nearing that last square. My oldest will be a senior when the new school year starts. This time next year I will have my very first graduate.

This ending place is difficult, too. It came too fast. There's so much we've done together, but there's so much more I want to do. I want this year to pass slowly. I want to feel every single day of it. I want to laugh with her and teach her and enjoy this season of her life that is all too quickly slipping by.

Can you see my dilemma?  Do you understand why being on square one and square one thousand at the same time is so hard?

I want this year to fly by at super sonic speed so the new one can just get better.

I want this year to creep as slowly as possible so I can enjoy every last minute with my senior.

Is it possible to do both? I'm not sure.

I find comfort in this...

How I feel about my youngest right now is exactly how I used to feel about my oldest.

But not anymore. Jesus changes hearts. What seems like the worst decision you ever made ends up being one of the best.

I'm so thankful for the day my oldest moved into my world. I'm thankful for the day my youngest arrived. I'm also thankful for the two in between.

I'll focus on the improvements, no matter how small. I'll enjoy the nine-year-old wildflower bouquets and the crayon drawings and the pretend tea parties.  I'll try to ignore the not so pretty parts of this first year.

Because one day, all to soon, I'll be looking at my youngest as a senior and I'll want time to slow down to a crawl.

I'll try not to wish my days away this year. Even the ones that feel the hardest.

I'll try.

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